My first memory of drowning in my reality still stings as much today as it did all those years ago. It’s crazy how our memory recalls events but even crazier that the emotions attached to them don’t ever go away. I was called to the office and told I wasn’t supposed to walk home from school that day. My mother called and she was going to pick me up from school. I was so excited. My mom worked quite a bit trying to provide for my sister and I so the thought of spending a whole afternoon with her gave me something to look forward to. That afternoon I waited and waited and waited and she never showed up. Once the school secretary called her we figured out she never called that day. Either it was a cruel joke played by someone else or a mistake by the school office staff. Either way, the hour I spent waiting on my mom that afternoon felt like an eternity. Feelings of abandonment and fear flooded my mind. I was only in the third grade. You know, the truth is, I have struggled with those feelings for most of my life. You see, I am a fatherless daughter. My dad abandoned us when I was 8.
The enemy tends to creep in on the weak, doesn’t he? He’s whispered lies telling me I’m not good enough and I don’t measure up to others for what seems like my whole life. For a long time I believed every single lie I was told. You can’t quite imagine the fallout of a fatherless daughter unless you’ve been one. Emotional shrapnel spread far and wide, closets full of skeleton bones, and a boat load of shame to go with them. How heavy the burden has been.
Almost a year ago, my earthly father died. I had spent years of my life being angry at him and at his wife. I found out a month after he passed through an internet search of his name. So I was furious with her and angry with him all over again for not loving me. I thought I had dealt with the past and put my abandonment issues to bed. Especially since I surrendered my life to Christ. Yet I found the enemy whispering those same lies in my ear and because I was so distraught, my armor of God was penetrated and I was that little girl all over again. My defenses were down and I felt alone. The enemy was on the prowl and once he got me down, he would leave me, broken, and move on to his next prey. Not this girl… Not again.
There is something about walking into the sanctuary of my Church that just feels like home. It’s as if I am crawling up into Jesus’s lap and resting my head on Him. The next Sunday when I walked into church, tears flooded my eyes and I was unable to hold them in. As our Praise and Worship team began to sing, “Your Presence is Heaven to Me” I began to weep openly and although I could not sing with my mouth, I was singing with my soul and I felt Jesus take all the anger and pain from my body and replace it with a peace like I have never felt before. My darling husband, Bo, didn’t even have to ask me what was happening. He just knew and as I was weeping and singing with my heart, he reached over and grabbed my hand and lifted it up with his, in Praise. Claiming victory right along with me. I will never know how he knew but he did. After the service I started to tell him what I felt in that moment and he just looked at me and said, “I already know, angel.” This occasion marked one of those moments right along with marrying him, the birth of my children, and asking Jesus to be my Lord and Savior.
I’ve had moments and days since then that my abandonment issues come rearing their ugly head again but each and every time Jesus has a way of running in and rescuing me from my pain. Like clockwork, He is always on time. I don’t have to be afraid of being abandoned ever again because He is my true constant. He is ALWAYS there for me. Hosea 6:3 reminds us of this…”He will come to us like the rain.” Isn’t that GREAT news? Every single time we feel alone, scared, angry, abandoned, hurt, grief stricken, or just far away from Him… “He will come to us like the rain.” Like the dew that falls every single night, like the rain that falls on dry ground and answers the call of thirst, and like our spirits when we are empty and need refueling… “He will come to us like the rain.”
I don’t stop and say thank you enough for His consistency when my faith is inconsistent. I wake up every day with the best of intentions and go to bed failing. Our God, my real Father, is always there and forgives me for it ALL… as much as I don’t deserve it, He is always there. I am the daughter of a King and I am so grateful.
You can have this, too. He loves you so very much and His love is unfailing. All you have to do is ask Him. He is dying to rescue you and heal your wounds. To scoop you up and tell you, “Everything is going to be okay.”
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you so much for always being there for me. Thank you for lifting my head when I let it fall. Thank you for reminding me that I am your daughter and being the daughter of a King makes me royalty. Thank you for coming to me like the rain and quenching my thirst when my spirit is bled dry. Thank you for saving me. In Jesus name, Amen.
“28 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30