My first
memory of drowning in my reality still stings as much today as it did all those
years ago. It’s crazy how our memory
recalls events but even crazier that the emotions attached to them don’t ever
go away. I was called to the office and
told I wasn’t supposed to walk home from school that day. My mother called and she was going to pick me
up from school. I was so excited. My mom worked quite a bit trying to provide
for my sister and I so the thought of spending a whole afternoon with her gave
me something to look forward to. That afternoon
I waited and waited and waited and she never showed up. Once the school secretary called her we
figured out she never called that day.
Either it was a cruel joke played by someone else or a mistake by the
school office staff. Either way, the
hour I spent waiting on my mom that afternoon felt like an eternity. Feelings of abandonment and fear flooded my
mind. I was only in the third
grade. You know, the truth is, I have
struggled with those feelings for most of my life. You see, I am a fatherless daughter. My dad abandoned us when I was 8.
The enemy
tends to creep in on the weak, doesn’t he? He’s whispered lies telling me I’m
not good enough and I don’t measure up to others for what seems like my whole
life. For a long time I believed every
single lie I was told. You can’t quite imagine
the fallout of a fatherless daughter unless you’ve been one. Emotional shrapnel spread far and wide,
closets full of skeleton bones, and a boat load of shame to go with them. How heavy the burden has been.
Almost a
year ago, my earthly father died. I had
spent years of my life being angry at him and at his wife. I found out a month after he passed through an
internet search of his name. So I was
furious with her and angry with him all over again for not loving me. I thought I had dealt with the past and put my
abandonment issues to bed. Especially
since I surrendered my life to Christ. Yet
I found the enemy whispering those same lies in my ear and because I was so
distraught, my armor of God was penetrated and I was that little girl all over
again. My defenses were down and I felt
alone. The enemy was on the prowl and
once he got me down, he would leave me, broken, and move on to his next
prey. Not this girl… Not again.
There is
something about walking into the sanctuary of my Church that just feels like
home. It’s as if I am crawling up into
Jesus’s lap and resting my head on Him.
The next Sunday when I walked into church, tears flooded my eyes and I
was unable to hold them in. As our
Praise and Worship team began to sing, “Your Presence is Heaven to Me” I began
to weep openly and although I could not sing with my mouth, I was singing with
my soul and I felt Jesus take all the anger and pain from my body and replace
it with a peace like I have never felt before.
My darling husband, Bo, didn’t even have to ask me what was
happening. He just knew and as I was
weeping and singing with my heart, he reached over and grabbed my hand and
lifted it up with his, in Praise.
Claiming victory right along with me.
I will never know how he knew but he did. After the service I started to tell him what I
felt in that moment and he just looked at me and said, “I already know,
angel.” This occasion marked one of those
moments right along with marrying him, the birth of my children, and asking
Jesus to be my Lord and Savior.
I’ve had
moments and days since then that my abandonment issues come rearing their ugly
head again but each and every time Jesus has a way of running in and rescuing
me from my pain. Like clockwork, He is
always on time. I don’t have to be
afraid of being abandoned ever again because He is my true constant. He is ALWAYS there for me. Hosea 6:3 reminds us of this…”He will come to
us like the rain.” Isn’t that GREAT news?
Every single time we feel alone, scared, angry, abandoned, hurt, grief
stricken, or just far away from Him… “He will come to us like the rain.” Like the dew that falls every single night,
like the rain that falls on dry ground and answers the call of thirst, and like
our spirits when we are empty and need refueling… “He will come to us like the
rain.”
I don’t
stop and say thank you enough for His consistency when my faith is
inconsistent. I wake up every day with
the best of intentions and go to bed failing.
Our God, my real Father, is always there and forgives me for it ALL… as
much as I don’t deserve it, He is always there.
I am the daughter of a King and I am so grateful.
You can
have this, too. He loves you so very
much and His love is unfailing. All you
have to do is ask Him. He is dying to
rescue you and heal your wounds. To
scoop you up and tell you, “Everything is going to be okay.”
Dear
Heavenly Father, Thank you so much for always being there for me. Thank you for lifting my head when I let it
fall. Thank you for reminding me that I
am your daughter and being the daughter of a King makes me royalty. Thank you for coming to me like the rain and
quenching my thirst when my spirit is bled dry.
Thank you for saving me. In Jesus
name, Amen.
“28 Come to
me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light.” Matthew 11:28-30
